


Headlines & Footnotes

by space_squirrel



Series: Warrior Daughter [6]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: But is it really still "the other woman" when the main woman is dead?, F/M, Hurt, Moving On, Oh Kaidan, The Other Woman, after alchera
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-05 00:48:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10293641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_squirrel/pseuds/space_squirrel
Summary: Doctor Viola Banks spent a lot of time watching the news,so it's no wonder that a certain, charming lieutenant caught her attention one evening in the aftermath of the Battle of the Citadel.Or, what happens when you wonder what it would be like to get inside the Citadel doctor's head (yes, THAT doctor).[The fic formerly known as "The One That Got Away"]





	1. Chapter 1

Doctor Viola Banks spent a lot of time watching the news. 

Between her job working in Huerta Memorial Hospital's ER and her research she kept quite busy, but she still somehow made time to watch the news at least once a day (and often three). Viola blamed her news anchor father for that one: she'd grown up around reporters and cameras, and had been watching the morning, noon, and evening news daily since she was old enough to talk. 

At first, her near-reglious news routine was a comfort, of sorts. She had moved to the Citadel to really make a difference after med school, to learn more about the vast galaxy that surrounded them and the life forms found it, and the news reminded her of home, of her family. But now, the nightly newscast was her daily dose of reality, her link to the world outside the five arms of the Citadel, a reminder that no matter how much vomit or blood or god-knows-what may be sprayed across her scrubs, others had it much, much worse.

The first time she saw Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko was on the 6'o clock news. He was talking about the recent battle on the Citadel, the one that ended with a pile of rubble and a now-dead rouge Spectre. 

Her heart beat a little faster as he blushed and stammered his way through the interview. It was obvious he didn't spend a lot of time in front of cameras, and his nerves were showing in a big way.

Viola found it inexplicably endearing, and found herself pausing to watch everytime the interview was re-aired (and they re-aired it a lot). 

The second time she saw him was on the morning news, a few weeks later. He was more calm this time, more cool and collected, though his tells gave his nerves away, to anyone paying enough attention (not that she was paying THAT much attention, mind you). It was the slightly wide-eyed, deer-in-headlights expression on his face, the soft blush creeping up his neck. _Yup_ , she thought.  _The man is flustered._

What had started as a harmless crush on a quasi-celebrity turned into something more dangerous the moment Kaidan Alenko waltzed into her ER. 

Okay, it was less of a waltz, and more of a _trudge_ , but regardless of circumstance Viola found her heart beating faster, her palms clammy as she stood outside his room, grabbing his medical chart from its place on the wall.

_Crash landed on Alchera. CO MIA. Lacerations to right hand, stitches required. Possible hairline fractures. Amp tune-up likely needed. Psychological state unknown, routine post-trauma meeting with psychologist recommended._

She skimmed further down the page,  taking care to pause every now and then, ensuring she wasn't missing anything critical. It told a sad story, one she mostly knew already from her daily dose of media. The notes scrawled by the rescuing field medic filled in the blanks, painting a very clear picture.  

It seemed the main concern was his biotics, which explained why he found himself sitting in her waiting room, seeing as most of her scientific research was related to biotic manifestation in humans. Witnesses reported he had an uncontrollable flare after the last of the Normandy's shuttles landed, likely from the sheer stress of the situation. The biotic burst had injured the nearby pilot and nearly shorted out his amp before one of his squadmates managed to calm him down. After that, he went on autopilot, becoming the perfect alliance soldier and throwing himself into his duty as second-in-command; taking charge and making sure the rest of the crew were looked after, watered and fed, paying little attention to his own needs. 

 _What a hero_ , she thinks, taking a moment to eye him through the window. _And a handsome one at that_.

She takes a deep breathe and attempts to steady her own nerves ( _why is she even nervous_?), then enters the room. His head snaps up at the sound, soulful brown eyes meeting her gaze. 

"Lieutenant Alenko?" She asks, approaching the bed and extending a manicured hand towards him. "I'm Doctor Banks, and biotics are my specialty. I understand you gave yours quite the workout on Alchera," she notices he flinches at the word, "so I'm going to need to run a few tests. Follow me."

He nods wordlessly, standing and marching down the hallway behind her, whatever emotion she had caught a glimpse of replaced by the professional mask of a soldier.

 _A shame_ , she thinks. _I'd really like to see more of the man_.

Six months later, she gets her wish when she bumps into him at the bar, too many whiskeys in to count and ready to sink ships with his loose lips. 

Downing her sweet pink shot ( _What had it been called? A pink starburst?_ ), she brazenly orders a glass of wine and another whiskey, sliding the latter down the bar and flipping her curly black hair over her shoulder as she smiles.

The lieutenant looks up, and she sees a fleeting moment of lonileness behind those soft brown eyes, before his buddy claps him on the shoulder and waves her over. 

Many more drinks and a few hours later, they're stumbling back to her apartment before tumbling into bed.

Later, in the quiet darkness of the night, she's sound asleep, curled into his side; but he's tossing and turning, in a fitful state of unrest, mumbling the same name over and over.

 _Shepard_.


	2. Chapter 2

When Viola wakes up the next morning, she's alone in her bed; the mussed sheets the only lingering sign that it had, in fact, been shared the night before.  

She feels a pang of disappointment, which she promptly squashes down, throwing an arm over her eyes and sighing heavily.

 

She knows she shouldn't be upset, has no right to be; after all, a drunken romp in the sack hardly lends to an expectation of breakfast the next morning. She should be happy he stayed at all, instead of calling a skycar home in the middle of the night.

Dragging herself out of bed, she pads into the kitchen and heads towards the coffee maker. Her head is pounding, the effects of the previous night's activities settling in, and she knows she needs a coffee stat if she has any hope of being productive today.    

 

Brewing now underway, she flips on the morning news—an always welcome distraction during moments like this—and is instantly greeted by a story about a new Alliance biotic training program, and there, on her screen providing commentary, is none other than the man who warmed her bed last night.  

Narrowing her eyes at the TV, she promptly switches it off, hurling her remote at the sofa. 

Apparently, she's not in the mood to watch the news today after all. 

 

\-- 

 

A week passes, then a month, then another; and now nearly three months later Viola finds herself actively trying to think of a plausible reason as to why she can't join her friend and coworker, Sera, at the Dark Star Lounge for her birthday tonight. 

The truth is, she's still sour over the sudden disappearance of a certain lieutenant from her bed all those weeks ago. She feels like an idiot, the way she threw herself at him - based on his bashful media interviews, his warm eyes, pleasant demeanor in her ER, she'd really thought he would be different from other Alliance men, nicer somehow. The last thing she wants to do is be reminded of that night, let alone risk running into him again. 

Sera won't take no for an answer, though, and so Viola finds herself leaving the ER in heels and a cute dress at the end of her shift, makeup done and head down as she fumbles with a stack of datapads she's dropping off on her way out. Suddenly, she's colliding with another person, datapads scattering.  

Blushing, she looks up and begins to apologize, before realizing who it was she had crashed into. There stands Kaidan, and the words are tumbling out of her mouth, an unpleasant edge to her voice, before she can help it. 

"Oh, it's  _you_." 

Her eyes widen and she clamps a hand over her mouth. "Ugh, I'm sorry, that was really rude of me."   

Kaidan is rubbing the back of his neck, refusing to meet her eyes, and she can't help but feel her annoyance soften a little as that cute, flustered man she first developed a crush on re-appears. 

"No, don't apologize," he says, then pauses.  A beat passes, and then he looks right at her, voice softer. "I probably deserved that... and owe you an apology." 

She's the one feeling awkward now, staring at her shoes, at the wall, looking anywhere but at  _him._  

"Look, you don't need to apologize—"  

He cuts her off, lifting his hand. "I do though, Viola." 

She raises an eyebrow, impressed he actually remembers her name, and looks up, waiting for him to continue. 

"I'm not the kind of guy who... what I mean is," he sighs, looking away as he searches for the right words. "I'm sorry I ran out in the morning. I don't usually... I'm not a one night stand kind of guy," he says lamely. "And I panicked." 

Viola can tell there's more to the story, something he's not saying, but she can't quite put her finger on it.  _Oh god, he probably has a girlfriend,_ she realizes suddenly, and feels her ears turning red. Of  _course_  a good looking, nice guy with a good job is seeing someone. She feels stupid in this moment, embarrassed that she hadn't considered that possibility before throwing herself at him, especially when he had obviously been drinking for awhile. 

He's staring at her, now, like he's expecting a response, and she blushes even more as it dawns on her that she had stopped listening. 

"Um, sorry, what?" 

Kaidan clears his throat, rubbing his neck again. "I said I'd like to start over. I'm in a better space now, than I was a few months ago and... you seem nice. Maybe we can go somewhere for a drink, and get to know each other properly?" He pauses again, cheeks pink. "But if you don't want to, I understand, I mean—" 

It's her turn to cut him off now, and she flashes him a brilliant smile before speaking. 

"That sounds lovely, Kaidan." 

She gives him her number, and a few days later, they're sitting in Apollo, several drinks in and laughing over a story she just finished telling about her first few weeks on the Citadel. 

It's easy, being around him, and Viola finds herself enjoying his company, no longer upset over how their first quasi-date went down. She thinks he is enjoying her company, as well, though there is still something... off, about the entire thing she can't quite figure out. She wonders if he is damaged from a previous relationship, maybe he was cheated on, hesitant about starting anything new.  _Maybe he wasn't over whoever it is,_ she thinks, before shaking the thought out of her head. Whatever it is he's not saying, he's here with her now, and they're having a nice time, and she knows she needs to stop over-thinking everything and just stay in the moment.  

Later that night, history repeats itself as they drunkenly head back to her place; and the next morning, Viola is pleasantly surprised when she wakes up to a shirtless lieutenant making coffee for two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I kept going to edit the next chapter of my Sophie Shepard longfic, and couldn't because Viola had more to say. You know how it goes... anyway, this is now going to be a little mini-fic so I can get her out of my brain and get back to writing Sophie's story (although, this is, in a weird way, a part of Sophie's story too I guess :)


	3. Chapter 3

Viola is wrapping up her shift at the ER when a familiar, husky voice calls her name. She turns, and instantly lights up when she sees Kaidan approaching. He moves to hug her, and she jumps back with a squeak.

"Sorry, it's not that I'm happy to see you, but..." she gestures at her scrubs, which are splattered with dried blood.  

He smiles and hugs her anyway, much to her delight. 

"I thought you weren't due back for another week?" she asks, motioning for him to follow her as she heads to drop off the last of her datapads for the night. 

"I wasn't, but we finished early," he says, leaning on the counter as she begins filing things away. "We got in late last night." 

She hides her smile behind a datapad, secretly pleased that she ranks high enough on his list to be one of his first stops after returning from his latest mission. 

Since their first official date at Apollo, they'd been casually dating for almost six months now (if you could even call it that), and he'd been deployed for the last three. Granted, he'd managed to sent her a message near-weekly while away: they were never long, and fairly blasé, but she loved receiving them simply because it meant he'd been thinking of her, alleviating the niggling concern that he was only interested in her for sex.  

As it were, their dates had mostly consisted of bouts of drinking, followed by extended sessions between her sheets. She's not quite sure where they stand, if there even is a "they" at this point, but she's hopeful there _could_  be. 

Kaidan presses a kiss to her cheek, agreeing to meet her at their usual booth in Dark Star Lounge in a few hours, once she's had a chance to shower and change. He leaves with a wave, and she finishes up in the ER, avoiding Sera's pointed looks from across the room. 

There's a lot she's unsure about, when it comes to Kaidan. For one, much to her dismay, they have never been back to his place—a sure sign he was hiding something, if Sera was to be believed—and there were certain topics of conversation she'd learned to avoid, lest he get quiet and moody. Alchera was one, his dead CO another. 

And, as the one-year anniversary of the Normandy's destruction had neared, he'd become increasingly moody, drinking a little more, seeing her less and snapping more often. Normally, red flags like this would have sent her running for the hills - but she was trying her best to be patient and understanding.

She couldn't imagine what he'd gone through, how hard it must be to deal with the aftermath. 

After all, his ship had been destroyed _while he was on it,_ he'd lost his CO (and, as Dr. Chakwas had let slip to Dr. Michel one night—bless the hospital rumour mill—they'd actually _heard_  her suffocate), and had watched helplessly as a number of his colleagues, his _friends,_ burned to death above Alchera. 

Quite frankly, that would mess anyone up. 

Sera wasn't convinced, though, and was always quick to point out that Chakwas had been through the same, and was doing just fine ("But she's older, more experienced, and an  _Alliance doctor_ who has seen a lot of bad things during her career, Sera,"). 

The more she thought about it, the more Sera pushed the issue, the more she began to suspect Commander Shepard may have meant more to Kaidan than he let on. It wasn't until a former Alliance-turned-ER nurse explained the strict regulations officers were expected to follow that she decided the notion was stupid. Kaidan was so by-the-book, so easily flustered, she couldn't imagine him breaking these 'regs' for anyone, even if that someone was the infamous Sophie Shepard, Saviour of the Citadel... right? 

Another thing Viola had taken note of was the fact that she talked a LOT when they were together. Kaidan is always the perfect gentleman: he listens intently, asking questions and taking a genuine interest in her life... but she's noticed he rarely talks about himself, except when it's about his family or some equally safe topic, like the last vid he'd seen or a new restaurant he'd tried. 

And he frequently changes the subject when she begins to pry too deeply, when her questions become a little too personal. 

"A total RED FLAG, Vi!" Sera had slurred at her recently during one of their weekly wine-drinking sessions. She knows Sera is probably right, has that nagging feeling that something is still _off_ , but she can't help the way she gets butterflies when his name pops up on her omnitool; can't help the smile that's on her face for days after one of their dates. She's got it bad, she knows, and she's willing to overlook these little quirks of his just a little while longer, if it means he keeps calling.

Sera's voice interrupts her train of thought. "So, are you finally going to man up and ask to go back to HIS place tonight?" 

Pursing her lips, Viola does her best to shoot her friend a dirty look. "He'll have me over when he's ready. I don't want to rush him." 

"Right, because fucking for six months—"

"Three." 

"Whatever, fucking for  _three_ months and remaining celibate for another three while he's away god-knows-where doing god-knows-what somehow isn't  _rushing things._ " 

"His work is classified, you know that." 

"That still doesn't mean he can't write more than two sentences every few days." 

Viola frowns. She knows Sera has a point, but she's too afraid to push him, too afraid he will up and leave, afraid that he's not ready for more of a commitment that whatever _this_  is, even though she is ready for more. She promises her friend she'll bring it up before Kaidan ships off again, secretly praying he'll be around for a couple months so she can put it off awhile longer. 

Whatever deity was listening that night must have been feeling sorry for her, because one week, two dates, and one midnight booty call later, Kaidan is promoted and subsequently offered an opportunity to teach a freshly recruited group of biotic youth on the Citadel for the next quarter. 

He readily accepts, smiles when he tells her, and she feels her heart flutter as he squeezes her hand.


	4. Chapter 4

The past three months have been a blissful period of normalcy for Viola. She likes having Kaidan on the Citadel, likes being able to see him regularly. She still hasn't been to his place, and he still won't talk about his time on the Normandy, but in every other way, he's really been opening up to her, been talking more and more about himself, about his childhood and his past. He'd even introduced her to some of his Alliance buddies, regularly including her in their nights out, work schedule permitting.

Viola still hasn't managed to bring up the topic of _them_ , still isn't sure if she's allowed to think of him as her boyfriend, but she does anyway, though she's careful to never use the 'b' word around him.  

Sera is still giving her a hard time about her inability to confront Kaidan, she's still adamant they need to have "the talk" about where they stand, but she's been backing off recently, beginning to accept that maybe Viola's relationship isn't exactly _normal_ , but _is_ happy. 

Her thoughts are interrupted as the door to the doctor's lounge swings open, the familiar clack of Sera's sky-high red heels filling the room as she approached the locker room door. 

"Hey, Vi - you almost ready? You're taking for _ever._ " 

Viola can hear her friend impatiently bouncing around outside and stifles a laugh Typically, _she's_  the one waiting for Sera, who is perpetually late, but Sera had finished her shift an hour prior and was eager to meet their friends for a much needed girls night out. 

Normally, she'd be spending her Friday night with Kaidan, but earlier in the week he'd received a late night call from a mysterious number, and he had been none too pleased to find the Asari he'd served with—was Liara her name?—on the other end of the line; she'd been trying to reach him for months, she said. He excused himself to take the call from Viola's guest room, door closed, speaking in a hushed whisper. 

When he emerged thirty-five minutes later, he'd been visibly upset, the telltale signs of a migraine settling in around his eyes. He'd been apologetic, said it was urgent Alliance business, related to a biotic, that he had to head out to Illium first thing in the morning, and promised he'd make it up to her as soon as he was back. 

A few months ago, a sudden event like this would have thrown her for a loop, but she was surprisingly okay with the situation. She's feeling more confident about their relationship, recently, more sure that this is, in fact, a mutual _relationship_  and not strangely one-sided on her end. 

She opens the locker room door, clutch in hand and ready to go. 

Sera whistles as she emerges, grinning wolfishly as she gives Viola a once-over. 

" _Damn_  girl, you look hot!" 

Viola blushes, tugging at the bottom of her dress. She's dressed in a glittery silver dress with a short hemline and plunging back, tight in all the right places.  

"My outfit's not too much, is it?" 

Sera shakes her head emphatically. 

"It's perfect. And Kaidan will be _drooling_  when he sees the pictures later... it'll be the last time he skips a date night to hang out with a bunch of Asari!" 

Viola grins at her friend, running a hand through her hair before following her out the door.

 

\--

 

Everything comes crashing down a week later, when Kaidan returns from Illium exhausted and worn down. He apologizes over vid call - again - and says he is just not up to seeing her right now, needs some time to recover from his mission, promising to call in a couple days. 

Viola's disappointed but understanding; less so after seven days with no call, no note. 

Kaidan re-emerges two weeks later, and it's like he's a different person. He's colder, darker, more distant, and there's very obviously something bothering him, though she can tell he's trying to hide it from her.  

He's also being re-deployed, she finds out, now that his teaching quarter is up, and only has a couple days before he'll have to leave for four long months. 

She tells herself that's why he's acting this way. 

That night, they go out with a few of his military buddies who are here on shore leave, heading to a popular Alliance haunt at the far end of Bachjret Ward. 

Things get worse when they run into the Normandy's former pilot. He's drunk, that much is clear, and approaches their table with a look on his face that says he's not here for pleasantries. Kaidan instantly tenses, removing his hand from Viola's leg and leaning away from her. He's too slow, though, and she finds herself at the receiving end of a very uncomfortable once-over from Joker. Flushing, she drops her gaze to her glass of wine and finishes it, excusing herself to get another. 

As she walks away, she overhears the start of what would turn out to be a very heated discussion between Kaidan and Joker. 

"What the hell, Kaidan? Is _she_  the reason you wouldn't answer Liara's calls? Why you've become all but a _stranger_  to us?" 

Her heart plummets, tears springing to her eyes, and she takes a deep breath as she wills herself not to cry in public. Viola wonders if she had it all wrong - perhaps Commander Shepard was never the issue, and this Liara was. 

She wonders if that's the real reason he went to Illium, if that's why he'd been so distant since returning. 

_Men do love the asari,_  she thinks bitterly, ordering another glass of wine. Then, deciding she needs something a _lot_  stronger, she orders a shot of tequila—the strongest alcohol she can think of at the moment—and when her drinks appear, she downs the shot before it's even placed on the bar. 

Ten minutes later, Joker is storming out of the bar and Kaidan is instantly at her side, running a hand down her back and apologizing for ruining their evening. 

She's feeling the effects of the alcohol already, and it's making her feel rather bold—liquid courage, Sera would say—and she turns to face him. 

"What's the deal with you and Liara?" 

His eyes go wide, and he rubs his neck. 

"Who is she to you, Kaidan?" Viola continues, her voice getting louder. "Who am _I_  to you?" 

"Liara was never anything to me, Viola," he says, with such conviction Viola just _knows_  it's true, before he grabs her face and pulls her to him, kissing her soundly.  

"You didn't answer my second question," she replies, her annoyance coming through in her voice. "Who. Am. I. To. You? Why do you never talk about the Normandy, if it isn't this Liara? Why do we never go back to _your_  place?" 

He sighs heavily, looking to the ceiling before looking back at her, eyes soft. "Now is not the time or place," he says slowly. "We've both been drinking, can we please talk about this in the morning?" 

She nods, still upset, but dutifully follows him out of the bar. Her anger instantly subsides and is replaced with those annoying butterflies when Kaidan takes her hand and, smiling sweetly at her, hails a skycar back to _his_ place.  

His apartment is small, and sparsely furnished, but tidy. While he's readying for bed, Viola marvels at the few personal effects he has there: a photo of him and (whom she assumes to be) his family in an orchard, a small shelf filled with knickknacks from his travels, a beautiful photograph of Earth, as seen from space, hung on the wall, the aurora borealis glittering in all their atmospheric glory. She is admiring the print when she notices a feminine note on the lower corner. 

_"Home is not where you live, but where you're understood. -S."_  

That niggling suspicion about Kaidan's relationship with his former CO comes back with full force, and it takes everything in her to squash it down, tell herself she's being crazy. 

"Ready for bed?" 

Kaidan's voice brings her back to the present, out of her deeply spiraling, over-analytical thoughts and she smiles at him as she trails behind him into the bedroom. 

"With you? Always. Do you have a t-shirt I can borrow?" 

He's already slipped into bed by this point, eyes closed, and he haphazardly waves at his closet. 

"Over there. Grab whatever you'd like." 

Viola tiptoes over, opening the door and reaching for a blue t-shirt she's always liked him in. She goes to pull it out, chewing on the inside of her cheek as she pretends not to notice the decidedly feminine-looking N7 hoodie hanging there.

 

\--

 

The next day, they wake late, leave bed even later, enjoying their last morning together before he ships out. Their schedules are too different, she's too busy the next few days, to be able to see him again. Afterward, standing by his door, they share a lingering kiss before she departs; he promises to write as often as he can. 

She rings Sera once she's home, and it her friend's high-pitched voice comes across the line almost instantly. 

"Did you talk to him?" 

"I tried, last night, but he didn't want to talk about it when we'd been drinking and... I just..." She trails off, kicking herself mentally, and then, a deep breath. "...I couldn't bring it up this morning, not after..."  Viola squeezes her eyes shut, willing herself not to cry.  

There's silence on the line, and Sera lets out a breath. 

"It's almost 11, and a Saturday at that, so open a bottle of wine, Vi. I'll be right over." 

She hangs up and heads to the kitchen, stopping to catch her reflection in the mirror in her hallway. Her eyes are red and puffy, lips pursed, and she instantly feels stupid, getting this upset over everything. It's not like she even knows for certain there was something going on between Kaidan and his commander. 

His _dead_  commander, she corrects herself.

An hour later, she's finished explaining everything to Sera, and her friend is looking at her sympathetically. 

"I don't want to tell you you're acting crazy, but for gods sake, Viola... even if there was something going on between them—which, may I remind you, is very against regulations— she's _dead._ I hate to speak ill of the dead, but fuck, Vi, you don't have to compete with a _dead girl._ " 

Viola is staring at her wine, swirling it in the glass. She knows on some level, Sera is right, that even if Kaidan had been in love with his CO, she was gone. Killed in action, there'd been a funeral and everything. It had been all over the news. 

Sera's still going on, listing all the things Viola has going for her, every few reasons tossing in a "you're still _alive,"_ to drive the point home,but she's long tuned her out to instead listen to that little obnoxious, nagging voice in her head. 

The one that's telling her she isn't competing with a dead woman at all, but rather, would never be able to live up to whatever impossible standard Sophie Shepard's ghost had left behind.


	5. Chapter 5

True to his word, Kaidan had written frequently during his deployment. To Viola's delight, the letters were significantly longer than usual, warmer than usual. She wonders if maybe she didn't need to talk to him after all, if perhaps her drunken questioning of his feelings was enough to make him try harder, to be better at communicating with her, to open up.

There was still the lingering question of their status, their one plus one equation being answered by a big old question mark, but Viola is feeling a lot better about things, especially after a surprise vid call from Kaidan the other night.

It had her smiling for days.

A week later, she's half-watching the 6'o clock news in between patients when a peculiar story catches her interest. Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani is on air, and Viola instantly recognizes the photo of the Normandy's former pilot filling the space over her shoulder. She turns the volume up a few notches, curiosity getting the best of her.

"...with no notice to the Alliance, and sources say he is still technically listed as active on the military roster. Now, my sources also say Moreau had been demoted since the tragedy over Alchera almost two years ago, and has been flying cargo ships since. A far cry from the state-of-the-art Normandy he once flew. Is this a case of a disgruntled pilot finally throwing in the towel, or something more sinister?"

Viola snorts at that, shaking her head.

"I know, right?" A patient says, nodding towards the TV. "al-Jilani is one of the worst reporters on the Citadel. I'm sure she's making half of this up for better ratings."

Viola can't help but agree. al-Jilani is pretty disastrous, known for her fear-mongering, sensationalist reporting style.

But she starts to wonder if there is some truth to al-Julani's story after all, when she overhears an Alliance Captain in the Dark Star Lounge a few nights later: the Citadel rumour mill is saying Joker didn't give any notice to his friends, either, just up and vanished, all his clothes and personal effects gone from his tiny bachelor apartment.

The next morning, she's watching a more reputable news channel, hoping to hear more of the story, when Emily Wong appears with breaking news. Dr. Chawkas has mysteriously quit her posting at the Mars Naval Medical Center, taking a leave from the Alliance, just a few days after Joker's disappearance. No one is quite sure why, or where she went.

She can't help but feel concern gnawing at the back of her mind. That's two high-profile, former Normandy crew members disappearing, literally in the same week. There's no way that's a coincidence, she thinks, slightly worried that whoever—or _whatever_ —destroyed the Normandy might be coming back to finish the job. She hurriedly sends Kaidan an email, just to check in and see how he's doing.

He replies a few hours later, ending the email with an unprecedented "I miss you, and am looking forward to seeing you soon".

Viola instantly feels better, and pushes any worry about the safety of the Normandy’s former crew to the back of her mind.

The day before Kaidan is due to return, she's humming to herself in the kitchen while making coffee, spirits high, when she flips on the morning news and her stomach drops, along with the mug she's holding, shattering loudly on the floor.

There, in her kitchen, is a giant split-screen broadcast. On the left is Commander Shepard's Alliance headshot, and on the right is a very grainy video taken on Omega a few days earlier. And on the bottom, in big bold letters on the news ticker, is literally her worst nightmare: COMMANDER SHEPARD: ALIVE AND WELL?

Immediately, her omni-tool starts pinging with a flurry of messages from Sera, and Viola knows she's watching the same broadcast. She takes a deep breath, composes herself, and messages Kaidan, asking him to come over as soon as possible when he lands.

\--

It’s two long days before Kaidan appears on Viola’s doorstep, dark circles beneath his eyes from an obvious lack of sleep. His shirt is wrinkled, his eyes bloodshot, and she instantly knows he’s heard the rumours ( _How could he not have heard?_ ), and clearly he isn’t taking it well.

He gives her a tight smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes, as he steps into the apartment. She wraps him in a hug, which he returns, but she can tell from the tension in his arms, the rhythm of his breathing that his heart is only half in it.

As they pull apart, she almost asks him how his latest mission had gone, but thinks better of it at the last second.

Instead, she offers him a cup of tea, which he gratefully accepts.

Ten minutes later, they're curled up on the couch, him with a camomile tea and her with an earl grey.

There's an awkward and prolonged silence between them, and it's so unnervingly quiet Viola is certain Kaidan can hear her heart pounding.

He speaks first, his hand finding her jaw as he gently forces her to meet his weary eyes.

“They're just rumours,” he says, addressing the elephant in their relationship without actually _addressing_ it. “It doesn't mean anything.”

She nearly scoffs at that, but catches herself at the last second. Viola is many things, but a jealous girlfriend is not one of them— at least, she has never been one before. _(And can you really be jealous of a ghost?)_

Besides, it's not as if they’ve even labelled this... thing, they have going on, and at least he's half acknowledging the fact that the infamous Sophie Shepard had meant something to him, at some point.

She doesn't even know if his affections were returned on the Commander’s end. She tells herself probably not, given that whole reg business, but her brain is having trouble convincing her heart of that.

“What if they are true?” She asks, and instantly regrets it as she sees a flicker of raw pain flash across Kaidan’s face.

“They're not.”

“But what if they _are_?” she presses, not wanting to let this go, now that she's asked, not when he is finally sitting here with her and willing to talk about this— well, maybe this isn't quite _talking about it_ , but it's the closest thing she's gotten to an answer in the year or so they've been together.

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and is about to reply when his ‘tool pings, with an urgent message from Councillor Anderson.

He reads the message, then meets her eyes apologetically, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Go,” she sighs, giving him a small smile. “Who am I to interfere when duty calls?”

“Thanks for being so understanding, Viola,” he says quietly, giving her a genuine smile this time as he stands up.

He pauses.

“It’s one of the things I really appreciate about you,” he adds, pressing a chaste kiss to her forehead. He promises to come back after he’s done with Anderson, says he’ll cook dinner for her and then they can talk more, if she wants.

She’s not holding her breath on the conversation, if she’s honest with herself, but if there’s one thing Viola’s learned over the months, it’s that she’ll take whatever small part of Kaidan she can get... whatever part he’s willing to _offer_.

\--

Kaidan returns from his meeting with Anderson a several hours later, tightly wound with a jittery energy radiating from his entire being. He’s being deployed again in a few days, he tells her, this time to a Iera system colony called Horizon that’s in some sort of trouble.

“Sounds dangerous,” she says, taking a sip of the glass of wine she’d just poured before handing Kaidan a beer.

“No more dangerous than any other mission,” he replies, flipping the steaks on the grill before changing the subject, but she doesn’t feel reassured.

He’s making idle chit chat over dinner: asking about her friends and job, telling a story about a disgruntled Hanar he’d met recently, and carefully avoiding any topic that might bring them back to Shepard. His words are not matching his body language, though, and Viola can’t tell if he actually thinks he’s hiding his emotions or if he just thinks she won’t say anything.

Not that he’s wrong about the latter one.

There's something he's not telling Viola, she knows it, but she can't bring herself to confront him about it again before he's deployed, at least not tonight.

\--

Four days later, they’re in his apartment on his last morning before he ships out, and Viola knows it’s now or never if she wants to deliver her ultimatum before he goes.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she blurts out, and Kaidan freezes. He sets down the razor he was about to toss into his duffle bag, and turns to face her.

“Not... not _this_ ,” she clarifies lamely, waving her hand at the space between them, “but I can’t keep competing with a ghost, Kaidan.”

She looks up at the ceiling, blinking back tears, taking a deep breath to compose herself before meeting his eyes as she continues. “You’re either in this with me, Kaidan, one hundred percent, or you’re not. But I can’t— no, I _won’t_ continue to live in the shadow of someone who isn't even here. It’s not fair, and I’ve been doing it for far too long.”

Kaidan tears his eyes away from her, staring out the window, eyes to the sky. He’s silent for a long moment, and Viola’s palms are growing clammy, her heart in her mouth.

“You’re right,” he says suddenly, and she’s not sure she heard him correctly. “It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to us, it’s not fair to She— to— to her memory, and it’s certainly not fair to you.” He pauses again, collecting his thoughts. “I can’t give you an answer right now, Vi, and I know that’s not fair, either, but... I just, I need some more time to think.”

She hums disapprovingly, bitterly thinking that he’s had a whole _fucking_ _year_ to think, as Sera would be quick to point out later tonight, but her heart betrays her when she opens her mouth.

“One more deployment. That’s all you get. You think, while you’re gone, and we talk about this when you’re back,” she pauses, straightening her back and squaring her shoulders for emphasis. “All of it. Everything. No more secrets.”

He gives her a half hearted nod and weak smile.

They finish packing in silence.

\--

It’s been a month since Kaidan left for Horizon, and Viola is keeping herself busy with work; Sera is keeping her even busier with an array of social events.

“There’s no point in moping for the next few months, Vi,” Sera had said, “You said your bit and left the ball in his court. All you can do now is look out for you.”

Viola knows she’s right (Sera’s always bloody right, even when she wishes her friend wasn’t), but that doesn’t make her uncertainty over how they left things any easier. To make matters worse, she hasn’t heard a word from Kaidan since he left, though she had heard a rumour that something was affecting the comms systems on some of the colonies.

Later that night, she’s on her way home from the hospital, head down, when she nearly collides with a fierce looking, heavily tattooed - and seriously underdressed - woman.

“Watch where the _fuck_ you’re going, or you might end up regretting being so absent-fucking-minded, she snarls, giving Viola a dirty look before stalking off, boots thumping.

Viola’s staring after the stranger in complete shock, when she hears another voice from behind her, the tone an odd combination of annoyed and mildly amused.

“Hey, sorry about my friend. Someone pissed in her cheerios this morning, well, more like _every_ morning, so don’t take it personally.”

Viola turns around, about to reply, and instead is struck speechless when she finds herself face to face with Commander Sophie Shepard, in the flesh. Her blonde hair is in a loose braid, blue eyes wide as she studies Viola, the quirk on her lips fading into a frown.

“Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Viola can’t reply, can’t do anything but stare, totally dumbfounded, at the woman before her.

“Look, Miss-” Shepard pauses, suddenly recognizing Viola is still in her scrubs, white doctor’s jacket draped over her medical bag. “Aw, shit,” she sighs, voice taking a professional tone. “My friend didn’t mean anything by what she said, Doctor - despite her, ah, appearance, she really is rather harmless.” A beat passes. “Well, to civilians anyway.”

Viola could have laughed at that. Anyone hanging around the infamous Commander Shepard was probably far from harmless, but laughing would mean she’s okay with the situation, okay with Commander _fucking_ Shepard being alive and well and _here_ on the Citadel, here on her _home_ , out front _her_ hospital; and Viola is most certainly not okay with any of that, not by a long shot.

She’s about to open her mouth and let Shepard have it, tell her how she really feels, tell her what an awful thing it is to let everyone think you’re dead for two years, to let _Kaidan_ think she’s been dead for two years, when she’s suddenly interrupted by Sera’s shrill voice.

“Holy. Fuck. You’re Commander Shepard. You’re actually alive!”

Shepard turns, obviously annoyed at being recognized and called out like that as Sera runs over, looking between the two as realization of the situation sinks in.

“Come on, Vi, we’ve got to go. _Now_ ,” she hisses, tugging her friend’s arm. Viola nods, silently, letting Sera drag her away before she can say anything really stupid.

Shepard is watching them curiously, before she shrugs and jogs away in the direction the tattooed woman had gone.

As soon as Shepard’s out of earshot, Sera turns to her, a mixture of concern and shock all over her face.

“Are you okay?”

Instead of answering, Viola bursts into tears, sobbing into her hand as Sera calls a sky car to take them home.

\--

_Three Weeks Later_

Viola is sitting at her computer terminal, staring at the message to Kaidan she’s started and deleted a thousand times.

Whatever there had been between Kaidan and Shepard must be long over - of this she's certain. There’s no other possible explanation for his unwavering belief the Commander was dead all these years, for her lack of contact with him, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is most certainly _alive_. A fact that Viola knows, deep down, is going to destroy the possibility of there ever being an “us” for the two of them, once Kaidan finds out.

She’s not sure if she should be the one to tell him Shepard’s alive (how do you even tell someone that?), but she is sure she needs to end things, on her terms, before he returns and she’s sucked back into their odd non-relationship.

Because regardless of how Kaidan might feel about her, about Shepard, about this entire situation, Viola had come to an important realization over the past few weeks, suddenly able to think about things with a clarity she did not have before.

Viola has never been a headline kind of girl to Kaidan, she’s realized; she's always been more of a footnote. And while she might be heartbroken, might be feeling like a fool for trying to make this work for so long, she’s certain of one thing: Viola Banks is nobody’s damn footnote.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! Thanks for reading. :D
> 
> If you're curious, I've started developing a playlist for every longer-than-a-drabble fic I write (it helps keep me motivated!) - here's the one for this :)
> 
> 1\. LFO - Girl on TV  
> 2\. Sophie B. Hawkins - Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover  
> 3\. No Doubt - Excuse Me Mr.  
> 4\. Dashboard Confessional - Again I Go Unnoticed  
> 5\. Dia Frampton - Inventing Shadows  
> 6\. Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want  
> 7\. The Spill Canvas - All Over You  
> 8\. Less Thank Jake - The Ghosts of Me & You  
> 9\. Katy Perry - The One That Got Away  
> 10\. Cassadee Pope - Wasting All These Tears


End file.
